John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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