You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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