i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
