i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
