2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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