Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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