Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
