It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
