I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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