I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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