Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize