she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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