I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
