OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
