now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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