Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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