hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
