Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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