I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
