i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
