As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
