Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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