it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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