Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you win again, gameday.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
