I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
