I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
