my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
