remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
