my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
