I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
