If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
