Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
