This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
