When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
