Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The adults are the big ones right?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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