I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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