By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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