There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
