when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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