i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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