I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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