Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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