see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
