I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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