Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
