He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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