someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
