I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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