Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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