halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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