Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
