She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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