What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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