i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
