some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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