Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
