I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
