she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
