my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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