I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
