a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
