nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
