My underwear smells like fireworks.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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