I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
being pregnant is like rehab
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i think i just lost a toe
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
