Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We're too hungover to prance.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
