his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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