Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
