Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
