rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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